The Only Gil I've Ever Loved
by webby
Summary: We all know how we felt at the end of Living Doll. What about what Sara felt, lying under that car? This story explores her situation and what has led her to this point. Rated T for mild sensuality. Spoilers throughout season 7. Review!


**Social Note**: I do not own any of these characters! CBS does…and if they were smart they would give Jorja a raise. If she were smart she would stay on the show as well. GSR forever! She needs to live…if nothings else for Gil. I truly believe they need each other!

**Story Note**: This is my take on 7X24 "Living Doll". From Sara's POV. What could she be thinking as she is lying underneath that car? What is she doing to stay alive? Story has several spoilers throughout season 7 with one from season 5 and 6. Hope you like it. Reviews are always welcome!

The Only Gil I've Ever Loved

Wet. Heavy. Cold. Tired. I'm so cold. I cannot move! Where am I? I hear thunder and lightning. Natalie! It was she! I can't lift my head to look around, but the feel from my hands I am somewhere in the desert…in the rain. I should have gotten in my car right away. She was too fast! She put a cloth over my mouth which I can still smell the alcohol of it. If that had been my C.S.I proficiency exam, I would have failed. I should know better than to go into a deserted area without properly looking around first. I didn't and now here I am trapped underneath a very heavy object with no help in sight. My right hand is free from the car and stays outside in the mud. I do not believe anything is broken I can still move my body. I have to keep my hand moving though. I need to keep my body moving. Perhaps if I wedge my back I can slip out from underneath! "Ahh!" Pain. I think that I have cut my back on a piece of sharp metal. It's best that I keep still now.

I full recognize my situation now. I'm alone. In the desert. In the rain. Alone! Suddenly tears spring to my eyes and flow down my cheeks. Distracted. I have to keep distracted! Gil…oh Gil where are you? I can feel that my cell phone was taken from my vest. Before I went unconscious's I remember Natalie saying that my miniature was hard to make. Oh no! I'm the next miniature! I can just imagine Gil lifting up the car and seeing my miniature doll figure. He will most likely double take then immediately call my cell phone…only I won't answer. He'll call hoping, wishing, and praying that I answer. I can't! He will exhaust all resources and won't stop until he finds me…if he finds me. STOP SARA! He will find you. He's the most brilliant man you've ever known…he will find you. Think of him finding you, holding you, taking care of you. The rain…oh the rain is hard tonight. I was with him in the rain. That night I'll never forget…

_Nick was rescued just in time. Warrick and Catherine were on the way to the hospital with him. The rest of us stared as the ambulance took off. Nick was a good man that had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. We almost lost him, but we got him back. _

"_I want my guys back!" Gil suddenly said softly. I turned and looked at him. I put my hand on and his shoulder and held it there for a few moments. He looked at me then. His eyes weren't filled with courage and intelligence. They were bereft of all that, and in its place: vulnerability. I do not think I have ever seen him that vulnerable then that moment._

"_Everyone has the night off." Ecklie says. With a nod I walk straight toward my Tahoe and get in. I don't turn any music on. I just want silence. During the case everyone was frantic on finding Nick…now there wasn't any chaos just silence. I arrive at the lab and park the Tahoe. Then I walk the three floors of stairs to my car in the garage. I looked at the car for an eternity then I came to the conclusion that I wanted to walk. It really wasn't far, and plus I wanted to be out in the open tonight. Not too far out from the lab…it starts to rain. I don't care. I don't care if my clothes get soaked…I'm walking! Finally I reached my apartment complex! I was about to head up to my apartment on the last floor when I heard honking. I turn around and see him. It's Gil! He parks his car and runs towards me._

"_What are you doing?" He asks. The rain is soaking him inside and out as well now._

"_Walking. I wanted to walk." He softens his expression. I hate it when he looks at me that way. I just hate it! I can feel myself melting down…the part where I start to break down and cry. I won't! I will not cry in front of him! It doesn't work they're falling now. I eventually look up at him. It only takes a look. Immediately he pulls me into his arms. We're locked together. We've been friends for over seven years and I do not think I've ever been as close to him as I am now. His grip is strong. The rain is oblivious to us now. We're both soaked to the bone. I nuzzle into his neck, and to my surprise he does the same. I can feel his breath against my neck and close my eyes at the contact. I'm not crying anymore. I pull back and we simply stare at each other. He takes his hand and brushes my wet hair back. I take his hand and put it around my waist. I don't' want him to go! Our eyes lock together in a stronghold and we just seem to drift together. Before we both know what is happening our lips are locked together as well. Time against nothing. We're kissing now. His lips are soft and hard at the same. We move together in sync. Time against nothing. We aren't kissing for lust. Just kissing. I have waited so long to be able to kiss you, and now that I am. Nothing could prepare me for the emotions that I'm feeling right now. I moan softly. You slowly break the contact and lean your forehead against mine. I smile. You smile back._

"_I've been wanting to do that for some time now Sara. Tonight with Nick made me realize that if anything ever happened to you…I would not know what to do. I need you in my life!" I smile. I don't think I can say anything to that._

"I know what to do about this now." You say with a smile. I lean up and kiss you. I have waited so long for you to say that. Now that you have all I can do is kiss you. I grab your hand and take us up to my apartment. We didn't shag each other senseless that night. I'm sure neither of us would have minded, perhaps we even wanted it but we were just satisfied sleeping with each other. You held me Gil. That night when you slept I put my hand on your chest. For the first time in a long time I slept soundly. That night I truly realized that I loved you….

I can tell that the rain has stopped now. The mud is now thicker than ever before residing just below my chin. I must be careful not to open my mouth to wide to breath I might gulp some down. I don't want to be here! I want to be in your arms! The weight of this care is almost unbearable. If it does not crush me it is likely I will sink to my death. I have felt pleasurable weight though before…with you. That is what I will do I will think of you…

_We have just investigated the death of that young director assistant from Los Angeles. During the case we hardly saw each other except when we investigated the organization oriented with his death. It was one of our more "interesting" cases. _

_Debrief. Is it my imagination or can we not stop looking at each other from across the table? _

"_You know that was a pretty generous gift from a boss." I'm highly amused now. I can always tell when Greg is fishing for something._

"_Greg don't you have a birthday coming up?" I smile amusingly. _

"_Why yes Sara I do!" He says enthusiastically. I sneak a peak at you. You look scared._

"_Let me guess super model, boat loads of sushi, and let me guess…latex?" Catherine says pointedly. Greg sighs._

"_Nah. That was last year but it's my fantasy though." He says finishing with a smile. _

"_I think fantasies are best kept private." You suddenly break in. You aren't looking at anyone else but me. Your eyes are filled with amusement. If you keep staring at me like that I am going to melt on the floor! Luckily Greg and Catherine mutter something, get up, and leave. I pretend to look at a file until they leave the briefing room. Then I look up at you. You're still looking at me! We both have smiles on our faces. You send me this glace that sends shivers up and down my spine. That's it! Time to go! I know that look all too well. We play the pretend game and take separate vehicles out of the parking lot, but we have the same destination: your townhouse. We arrive in the lot in front; we park next to each other. Grinning you throw me your keys. I catch them with a skeptical look and start heading up the stairs. You're right behind me. You wrap your arm around my shoulder holding me close to your side. _

_I get the keys in the lock, but I am suddenly finding it hard to turn them. You have taken up residence behind me and are slowly kissing my neck and trailing up to my ear. This really is not easy with you breathing down my neck. You find my weak spot behind my ear and start to fully exploit it. _

"_Gil!" I moan softly. This man is impossible!_

"_Let me get in!" I say. You back off…only for a second though. I finally get the keys in the lock and we head into the townhouse. As soon as I shut us in though…you are instantly there. You push me against the door using your body to trap me in between._

"_Finally!" I hear you huskily murmur in my ear. Our lips are instantly tangled with one another. I can't get enough of you! Our arms wrap around each other with our tongues fusing together as well. Even though it's been a week since we have been intimate it seems as though it's been forever! Your lips are wonderfully passionate against mine and your hands are simply everywhere! Shivers are vibrating up my spine leaving me the inability to think! Your body pushes against mine as if we cannot get any closer! You start to undo my blouse when you mention that we should vacate to the bedroom. That night we loved each other passionately. I loved you then…_

My body is wracking with shivers. Everywhere! I cannot find a single depth of warmth even within my very soul. Hypothermia would seem to be settling in quickly! I cannot move my arm in further from outside. I don't have the energy! There is not a dry spot anywhere around me. I have never been so cold in my life! It's seeping into my bones. I've felt something similar to this though. An emotional coldness. I felt cold when you left for Williams. In that month nothing could warm me up…

_I understood why you were leaving. You needed to get away. During the past few months you have seen and endured more than all of us. Ernie Dell is what set you off. You needed a sabbatical! Time away. Even though I understood that it wasn't time away from me…it still felt that way. My reaction was placid but supportive when you told me that you would be going away for a month to the other side of the country. You didn't consult me or ask my opinion. You already had made up your mind. _

_The day you left was even worse. Cases had been stacked upon both of our desks all week! We had not even time for a proper goodbye. It was the close of day and I was in the locker room when you walked in. You aren't close to me…a good five feet away!_

"_So you're leaving?" I said defiantly. I don't mean to sound bitter it just suddenly came out. You need to know the other side of how I am feeling though. I want to scream out, "Don't Go!" but I won't. You need my support. Even though inwardly I dislike you for leaving._

"_My cab is waiting outside." We stare at each other for an eternity. Neither one of us really wanting to say goodbye. It's awkward._

"_I'll miss you!" You say softly. Then with one more apologetic look you left. No hug, kiss, or words spoken by lovers…you just said goodbye._

_Much to my displeasure I found myself sleeping at your place a lot. I wanted to be close to you. I propped your pillow against my back; pretending that you had your arms around me. When you held me I felt warm, protected…but more importantly loved. Now that you're gone…I feel cold. _

_Time went by so dreadfully slow. I missed you terribly! You didn't call or write me any letters. I was disappointed somewhat. I missed your voice. Then a package arrived for me. A cocoon! It made me smile, but I wish that it had been you in that package._

_After an eternity you came back. I had just gotten back from a nasty garbage decomp and was not expecting anyone important to be in the lab at the moment. I was wrong!_

"_Sara!" I jump and turn around. You're here!_

"_You're back!" I say stupidly. Nothing else comes to mind to say except for that. You look at me lovingly. Don't' look at me like that!_

"_You look good!" Man do you ever! Your beard is back, but you look healthy and refreshed. It's good to see you smiling again! You're taking steps towards me…bad idea! I don't trust myself to be close to you at the moment…besides the fact I smell like a dumpster. I start walking backwards. I smile like a fool._

"_I need a shower!" I say nervously. You smile and sniff._

"_Garbage decomp?" You ask amusingly. You're still walking towards me. I can only smile nervously and walk backwards. Only so I won't jump into your arms and kiss you senseless. Finally you stop. I start to hurryingly turn the corner._

"_Sara, I'll see you later?" You ask pointedly. I grin at him._

"_Yeah you will!" I smile and hurry towards my shower. I don't feel cold anymore. If possible I think I fell in love with you more in that moment…_

I don't know the time, but it's late. Even though I am in this situation I can hardly keep my eyelids open. I want to rest, but if I do I know that I could never wake up again. I'm so tired Gil! Come and rescue me! I need to fall asleep in your arms! Sleep in your arms just like when I was tired of the world and my job…

"_I held his hand…I comforted him." I say softly. I feel you silently standing close to me. I was the last person that girl saw, and I had sympathy for her brutal murderer. Tears escape my eyes as I watch the report on the T.V. set. You take your finger and brush them away. I lean into you touch. I'm exhausted. I look into you eyes and you seem to know what I'm saying for you take my coat._

"_Let's go home." You say. Even though we are still at the lab you put your arm around me as we walk out to your car. You don't even need to ask if I am coming over…you know that I need to be with you. We somehow can sense that we need to be together after tough cases. You know I need you tonight. No words are spoken while we drive. At one point I miserably fail at being strong and tears streak down my face. I turn my body to the window so you won't see me crying. It doesn't work. You take my hand and squeeze it within your own. Driving with one hand you never relinquish your hold until we park._

_We get inside your place and hang up our coats and cases. You let go of my hand and silently head into the kitchen. I hear the clicking of the stove and the clattering of china. You're making tea! You know that always makes me feel better…but not tonight. Tonight I need a different type of therapy. I walk behind you and wrap my arms around your waist. Instantly you turn around and hold me tightly against your body. I can't hold it in anymore! I start breaking out into sobs against your shirt. While I am soaking your shirt you just hold me there. You kiss the top of my head and rub your hand softly through my hair. I calm down a little bit._

_My sobs die down. I wrap my arms around your neck and play with the hair on the small of your neck. I look into your eyes._

"_On one of our first cases I was distraught with the results. I came to you and asked if you would sleep with me so you could tell me I was emotionally attached when I heard her screams." You pull away from me. You remember! I wrap my arms tighter around you so that our bodies are locked._

"_I need you to sleep with me tonight Gil. I don't want tea…I want you." My voice shakes. He sighs._

"_Sara, there was nothing you could have done." You say gently. I nod._

"_I know. I want to forget about this case. Even though you'll be right beside me, I do not want to wake up in the middle of the night hearing her voice." You touch your forehead to mine._

"_Help me forget Gil. I'm so tired." I say weakly. You close the distance between us and press our lips together. It's a deep kiss that nearly sends me over the edge. Both sets of our hands work frantically to get the other's shirt off. Successful, you break contact with me and turn off the stove. You sweep me up into your arms and carry me to the bedroom._

_That night you made me feel loved. You helped me forget everything except for you and me. You took care of me Gil! I loved you for that…_

Oh how I love you Gil! I have to shut my eyes for a little bit. I'm strong I won't die from Hypothermia. In fact thinking of you has helped edge off the bitterness of my situation. When I wake up I want to see your face! I want to feel your arms wrapped around my body holding me tight. I want to hear you say, "I love you Sara!" Find me Gil! I'm waiting for you. Oh Gil don't let me die out here! I feel Wet. Heavy. Cold. Tired. I am feeling those things now and I have felt them with you. I don't want to feel those things now. I want to feel them with you.

I smile and close my eyes. Oh Dr. Grissom…you're the only Gil I've ever loved!


End file.
